I am not very good at letting go of things. When I am hurt or angry it feels like those emotions get locked inside my chest and I am unable to release them. I know that this is a terrible way to live, but I don’t really know what I can do about it.
It is getting worse, I think. To the point where I will periodically think about something that happened many, many years ago and I cannot help but feel those hurt, angry, negative emotions as though they are fresh. It’s not everything, and it’s not necessarily even big things. But it is some things, and those things hurt.
I feel as though I am becoming a very wounded person because of this. I find it increasingly difficult to move on from things, and as I sometimes cannot predict when this tidal wave of hurt will press down on me I find it very hard to go about my day-to-day life.
I have even reached a point where I find it extremely difficult to be in certain places because I have come to associate those place with this oppressive pain. It almost becomes inevitable that I will freeze with hurt when I am in those places.
I worry that I will never be able to feel happy about the position that I am in because of this. I still feel so awful about the months before the submission of my PhD that I cannot even feel pleased about having reached the milestone of submission.
More generally I am not in a great place because everything is so uncertain. I do not know what tomorrow will be, let alone next week, or next year. I am worried. Mostly that the last ten years of my life have been wasted, that I lost my marriage for nothing, that I have nothing to do or offer.
No. I am not worried. I am scared.