A list of negative things (meant in a positive way, I guess).

I am feeling rubbish, despite several things which I shouldn’t be feeling rubbish about. In one way I think that this is just part and parcel of being me, and particularly of being me at the moment.

The first thing that I feel shitty about is that I am a little bit annoyed at myself regarding how utterly terrible I am at running. I’m not fast, I struggle even on short runs, I am not a natural runner, I have to work hard on my form – in short, running does not come naturally to me. Apparently, running comes very naturally to A. I know that I shouldn’t make comparisons, but it just makes me feel a bit… blegh. Like, why don’t I find it that easy? I am well aware that this is a stupid thing to say, and that the feeling is completely illogical. That doesn’t change the fact that I feel it.

If I can organise the logistics (i.e. sprint from one side of the river to the other within the requisite time) I will probably submit my PhD today.* I should feel great about this, but I don’t. And, on top of that my mum yelled at me over the phone this morning about being negative. In my experience when a person is feeling shitty then yelling at them for feeling shitty is not going to help. I’m really disappointed that this whole conversation occurred. I try and be very open and honest about how I feel, particularly with my mum, because I think it’s important for my ongoing mental health. I understand how hard it must be to have a bipolar daughter/friend/girlfriend/mother, and how frustrating it must be to not be able to understand the feelings that go into making that person who they are. But, it’s hard to be that person, and to not understand how the feelings work, and to (sometimes) feel helpless to control those feelings. I have realised throughout the years that pretending to be happy when I am not is significantly worse for me in the long run than acknowledging and validating my own feelings, and letting myself process them. Sometimes this takes a lot of time, sometimes it is relatively quick. I cannot help that this is the way that I am, and I find that the least helpful things to hear and often the things that people say. ‘Don’t look back, look forward’ or ‘be grateful’ or ‘you should be happy’. What I should be is true to my feelings, in a non-indulgent way. At the moment looking forward is just as scary and uncertain as looking back is hurtful and angering. The (non-)events of the last three months have tainted this experience is a way that I cannot get over at the moment. In time, I will get over it, but not now.

I am also feeling increasingly shitty about how my marriage ended. I feel awful that I couldn’t make it work, and that towards the end I really closed down and shut off. I wish that I could erase the hurt that I caused.

I wish things could be better. There are a lot of good things in my life: the Neon Toddler (who is starting the transition to ‘big girl nursery’ tomorrow!), A, my friends, my family. I am thankful and grateful each day for these things. But overall I am in a very precarious position, and although I am working to help myself out of that position I feel that it is valid to feel and process the negative emotions that come with that. I would be lying to myself, and to the people that I love, if I did not do this. And, ultimately, feeling and acknowledging this negativity will help me overcome it.

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*I will not submit today. As I half expected there was an issue with my thesis printing (likely my own fault and costing me some money that I really don’t have) and I will not be able to pick it up until tomorrow.

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3 thoughts on “A list of negative things (meant in a positive way, I guess).

  1. mawil1 says:

    Sometimes it’s just good to get it out of your system. Once it’s said or written things don’t look so bad.good luck with the thesis. Is a viva routine for you, or only for borderline or honours?

  2. sambyfield says:

    Hi there!

    I stumbled upon your blog while searching for shoe review, and for what it’s worth just wanted to say that i find your posts inspiring. Im a 33 year old australian guy who in tbe past few years has discovered running and is now hooked – though still mediocre. Im working up to a half marathon, the idea of an ultra is still a very ling way off! I also know a bit about how running can make u feel better about yourself and the world, having seen mental illness up close and earlier this year lost a sibling to an accident. Running has been immensely helpful in trying to get through it, and helps keep bad habits (crap food and alcohol) at bay. I hope u keep fighting to overcome your own challenges and keep running – even if you’re slow you’re still much better than the vast majority of the population who don’t run at all.

    Sb

    • Neon Anonymous says:

      Thanks very much. I really appreciate the comment and the kind words – it can be hard some days, but as you say the running does help significantly. I am normally not quite so disheartened by my slow pace as I have been recently.
      Good luck with the running and the half. It’s a great distance, I think!

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