I am feeling rubbish, despite several things which I shouldn’t be feeling rubbish about. In one way I think that this is just part and parcel of being me, and particularly of being me at the moment.
The first thing that I feel shitty about is that I am a little bit annoyed at myself regarding how utterly terrible I am at running. I’m not fast, I struggle even on short runs, I am not a natural runner, I have to work hard on my form – in short, running does not come naturally to me. Apparently, running comes very naturally to A. I know that I shouldn’t make comparisons, but it just makes me feel a bit… blegh. Like, why don’t I find it that easy? I am well aware that this is a stupid thing to say, and that the feeling is completely illogical. That doesn’t change the fact that I feel it.
If I can organise the logistics (i.e. sprint from one side of the river to the other within the requisite time) I will probably submit my PhD today.* I should feel great about this, but I don’t. And, on top of that my mum yelled at me over the phone this morning about being negative. In my experience when a person is feeling shitty then yelling at them for feeling shitty is not going to help. I’m really disappointed that this whole conversation occurred. I try and be very open and honest about how I feel, particularly with my mum, because I think it’s important for my ongoing mental health. I understand how hard it must be to have a bipolar daughter/friend/girlfriend/mother, and how frustrating it must be to not be able to understand the feelings that go into making that person who they are. But, it’s hard to be that person, and to not understand how the feelings work, and to (sometimes) feel helpless to control those feelings. I have realised throughout the years that pretending to be happy when I am not is significantly worse for me in the long run than acknowledging and validating my own feelings, and letting myself process them. Sometimes this takes a lot of time, sometimes it is relatively quick. I cannot help that this is the way that I am, and I find that the least helpful things to hear and often the things that people say. ‘Don’t look back, look forward’ or ‘be grateful’ or ‘you should be happy’. What I should be is true to my feelings, in a non-indulgent way. At the moment looking forward is just as scary and uncertain as looking back is hurtful and angering. The (non-)events of the last three months have tainted this experience is a way that I cannot get over at the moment. In time, I will get over it, but not now.
I am also feeling increasingly shitty about how my marriage ended. I feel awful that I couldn’t make it work, and that towards the end I really closed down and shut off. I wish that I could erase the hurt that I caused.
I wish things could be better. There are a lot of good things in my life: the Neon Toddler (who is starting the transition to ‘big girl nursery’ tomorrow!), A, my friends, my family. I am thankful and grateful each day for these things. But overall I am in a very precarious position, and although I am working to help myself out of that position I feel that it is valid to feel and process the negative emotions that come with that. I would be lying to myself, and to the people that I love, if I did not do this. And, ultimately, feeling and acknowledging this negativity will help me overcome it.
*I will not submit today. As I half expected there was an issue with my thesis printing (likely my own fault and costing me some money that I really don’t have) and I will not be able to pick it up until tomorrow.