I used to want to run, and other running related thoughts.

run-yourself-ugly

I used to want to run.  That sounds funny saying now that I do run.  Now that I am a runner.  When I was a teenager I wanted to run but I didn’t know how, and that’s something I suspect a lot of wanna-be runners face.  It seems simple: if you want to run, then you just go and run.  I tried, and failed.  And tried, and failed.  And eventually I gave up.

I even married a runner, who suggested I try the C25K program, and I tried that too.  But, I didn’t want to go out on my own, and the program was too simple for him, and took too much time away from his marathon training and so I gave up.

It wasn’t as though I didn’t want to finish, but I wasn’t motivated enough to be a runner.  In fact, it wasn’t until after I had my child, when I was deep into body-loathing and had a strong need for time on my own that I decided to try again.  And it was wonderful, and liberating, and I wasn’t embarrassed like I’d been the first time.  In part that was because I’d just had a baby and I had a bit of a ‘fuck you if you judge me for run-walking’ attitude.  I have never, ever done anything better for myself than that C25K program.  It is the single best choice I have ever made in my life.

For a while, I did feel self-concious running.  I didn’t feel great about the way that I looked, and I jiggled a bit too much.  But, my desire to run (or, in those days, to walk and run) was more powerful than that feeling.

Tonight, about halfway though my 11km run, I realised that now I feel the best about myself when I’m running.  I probably look terrible.  In fact, I’m pretty sure that I do.  I think I’m the kind of runner that instantly looks like they’ve run 15km – dishevelled, sweaty, hair everywhere.  But, damn I feel sexy.  It’s weird.  I feel strong.  I feel a wonderful sense of amazement at this wonderful, liberating, freeing thing that my body can do.  I feel as though I can achieve anything.

And that feeling continues.  I think back over some of the runs I’ve done: long runs, PBs, really hard runs that I struggled though, landmark runs.  And, I feel awed by the power that my body has.

I used to want to run.  Now, I am a runner.

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2 thoughts on “I used to want to run, and other running related thoughts.

  1. artisticsharon says:

    I read a quote I think applies here “If you still look pretty after your workout…you didn’t really workout”. I look like a red, hot, sweaty mess when I’m done and I’m only in week 4 of c25k – but I feel more powerful after my runs too. Keep going strong!!

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