Days like these

I’d love to say that days like these are getting further and further apart, but they aren’t.  They’re getting closer and closer together.  They are becoming more and more frequent.

I find parenting challenging.  I found parenting a baby very boring, and I find parenting a toddler very frustrating.  But, that’s not the problem: all parents have days that are a challenge.

Being a (part-time) stay-at-home mum is making me a shitty mum and a shitty person.  When I spend my days thinking about all the things I’d rather be doing than hanging out with my kid, that makes me a shitty mum.  I want to enjoy my time with my kid, because my kid is awesome.  My kid is amazing and wonderful and clever and beautiful.  I don’t neglect my kid.  But, there are heaps more things I could do.  I could be working.

Yep.  I would rather be working than parenting.

I think a lot of this is coming up as my stress levels rise, and as I am working though myself post-mini-breakdown.

I don’t wish I didn’t have Neon Toddler.  I just wish that I could afford to have her in full time care so I could work, on my thesis and job applications and postdoc proposal and all the other things I’d like to do.

I’m a shitty, shitty person.

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