(Tiny) Leaps and Bounds

Something amazing happened to me today, that will not seem amazing to anyone else.

I didn’t buy something.  I put something back on the shelf instead of on my credit card and in a bag.  I convinced myself that I didn’t need to shop.

For many people oniomania (that is, compulsive shopping) is a symptom of a manic episode and I certainly fit into that category.  As I work though this possible bi-polar diagnosis, episodes in my life and behaviors in my past and present are starting to make a lot of sense and the compulsive shopping is one of them.

I am not a compulsive buyer, but a compulsive spender.  A compulsive buyer gets a thrill from the transaction, whereas during the actual transaction I only feel distant from the act.  It’s a kind of distance that I suppose I also felt during (what I now recognise as) manic episodes.

So, I don’t feel worse.  I don’t feel great, but I don’t feel worse.  In fact, I did get a tiny thrill (a very tiny one!) in putting the thing back on the shelf.  It was a moment of pride in myself.

And then it faded and I went back to normal.  An even kind of normal.

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