Something amazing happened to me today, that will not seem amazing to anyone else.
I didn’t buy something. I put something back on the shelf instead of on my credit card and in a bag. I convinced myself that I didn’t need to shop.
For many people oniomania (that is, compulsive shopping) is a symptom of a manic episode and I certainly fit into that category. As I work though this possible bi-polar diagnosis, episodes in my life and behaviors in my past and present are starting to make a lot of sense and the compulsive shopping is one of them.
I am not a compulsive buyer, but a compulsive spender. A compulsive buyer gets a thrill from the transaction, whereas during the actual transaction I only feel distant from the act. It’s a kind of distance that I suppose I also felt during (what I now recognise as) manic episodes.
So, I don’t feel worse. I don’t feel great, but I don’t feel worse. In fact, I did get a tiny thrill (a very tiny one!) in putting the thing back on the shelf. It was a moment of pride in myself.
And then it faded and I went back to normal. An even kind of normal.