I am overloaded

I have too much to do right now.  It’s just that simple.  I cannot be a mother, a wife, a runner, a student and a teacher and a seminar chair.  Something is losing out and unfortunately it’s my thesis.

In all honesty, I haven’t really produce anything new for a long time.  I’ve written one (bad, half-formed and half-arsed) chapter in the last year and it really has nothing to do with my actual thesis topic.  I’ve been asked by my supervisor to actually define what it is that I’m trying to do and when I sat down to figure it out, I didn’t know.  I think I know now, but I didn’t then.

I’m starting to become very scared that I’ll never get a job.  That my writing isn’t very good.  That my ideas aren’t new or revolutionary.  That I’m a bit more than half-a-step behind the latest innovation in my field and I think a lot of that has to do with my MA supervisor being very against the path my field is taking – but, that’s not an excuse any more, now that I’m in my third year and should really have shaken off my inherited prejudice.  I am reading and writing and thinking about my approach to the material now.  NOW, in my third year.

I’m scared.  I received a draft with comments on it today and one of them just said ‘No’.  That’s awful.  That’s just an awful feeling.

I’m scared that my thesis is rubbish, that my research is rubbish and that my supervisor has just been too nice to say anything until now.

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